


Inside Jokes (what's her name?)

by Multifandom_damnation



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Brotherly Bonding, Dysfunctional Family, Family Dynamics, Family Issues, Gen, Good Brother Diego Hargreeves, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Pansexual Klaus Hargreeves, Protective Older Brothers, Team as Family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-04
Updated: 2019-12-04
Packaged: 2021-02-26 07:13:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21659611
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Multifandom_damnation/pseuds/Multifandom_damnation
Summary: Luther said, “So, Klaus, come on. What do you look for in a woman?”A wild, frightened look overcame Klaus’s eyes, and they looked around the room and he stiffened up as his mind was muddled with confusion and suddenly he was very aware of everyone’s eyes on him. “Oh, you know,” Klaus said slowly, trying to be nonchalant. “A vagina.”(OR, Luther being oblivious all his life leads to an inside joke that starts as teenagers and follows them into their 30's, to Diego tying Klaus up in blue rope and asking him, "What was her name?" knowing full well that 'she' was a 'he'.)
Relationships: Dave/Klaus Hargreeves, Klaus Hargreeves & Everyone
Comments: 22
Kudos: 528





	Inside Jokes (what's her name?)

**Author's Note:**

> This is really just my way of explaining that "what's her name?" quote during that bit where Diego ties up Klaus so he can get sober, and this really wasn't supposed to be this long, not at all, but I like the way it turned out.

It happened late at night, at the age of 14, while their father was either already asleep or too pre-occupied in his study to realize anything had happened, and they all snuck through the halls of the Hargreeves manor in the cuddly pyjamas that Grace had carefully picked out for them towards Ben’s room at one in the morning, which had become their designated hangout spot and meeting room for late-night conversations.

Klaus was there first, he spent most of his time in Ben’s room anyway, and Diego had arrived not too long later, which meant that as always, Luther was last and had kept them waiting impatiently while he lingered in his room an extra amount of time for Reginald to forget about them.

Tonight’s topic was about girls- which was odd in its own right. It probably didn’t start off as girls, probably just about their future and what they wanted in life, but it resulted in being about girls anyway. Diego or Luther had brought up the topic, because out of all the boys in the family, they were the ones always thinking about living long happy lives with a wife and kids while Klaus and Ben just wanted to _live_.

“I’d like to get married someday,” Luther said, lying face-up on the bed, staring at the blank ceiling as the fan slowly spun. “Maybe someone like Allison.”

“Allison?” Diego rolled over to make a disgusted face at Luther which his brother could see even in the dark. “Yuck. That’s gross, Luther.”

Luther frowned, confused. “What’s wrong with Allison? I think she’s great. I’d like to meet a woman like her one day,”

“Yeah, but dude, she’s our sister,” Diego stuck his tongue out. “That’s super gross.”

“Well, adoptive sister,” Ben pointed out, not really paying attention, limbs intertwined with Klaus’s as they ate a bag of lollies between the two of them. “So it’s not as gross as it sounds. We’re only related by name.”

“Well, what about you, Diego?” Luther retorted, annoyed at being embarrassed and not one to let Diego get away with anything. “What kind of woman would you want to marry?”

Shrugging, Diego fell back into the blankets, blinking up at the spinning fan. “I don’t know. A strong one. Someone who can knock me on my ass whenever she felt like it. Someone who could always keep me guessing.”

“That sounds very specific,” Klaus stated, mouth full of sour gummy worms. “And very hard to find.”

“Maybe,” Diego said. “I don’t know. A fighter, maybe. A wrestler, or a boxer. Someone strong is all I want.”

“Maybe a police officer?” Luther suggested innocently.

Diego reached a leg out and kicked him in the side, and Luther grunted and swatted at him. “God, Luther. Really? Cops hate us because we do their job for them, why would I ever marry one?”

“You never know what the future holds,” Luther argued. “Maybe there’s an officer out there who loves you! You don’t know. It could happen.”

“Maybe I won’t get married then,” Diego retorted. “Maybe I’ll be the boxer or the wrestler and do something else with my life.”

“Or you could be a cop and meet the love of your life there?” Luther laughed as he dodged another expected kick from Diego.

Flustered, Diego crawled across the bed to get as far away from Luther as he could without falling off the bed and onto the floor. The sound would probably alert Pogo or Grace, anyway. “Alright, fine,” he spluttered. “What about you Ben? Who do you see yourself marrying?”

Shrugging, Ben was the only one actually sitting up, and his head hit the backboard with a dull thump. “Honestly, I don’t know. I’m not sure I’d like to get married, really. I haven’t decided yet.”

“You’ve never even thought about it?” Luther asked.

“Not really,” Ben replied, trying to steal a lolly from the bag between them before Klaus could eat them all. “We’re not really old enough to be thinking about getting married and having kids and all that stuff yet, Luther. If dad found out that we were thinking about anything other than training and fighting and saving people, he’d have our necks.”

Diego wasn’t too surprised by the revelation, but he glanced over at Luther, who very obviously was. “Why do you seem so shocked? I’m actually amazed that you of all people think about a future with a wife.”

“Why?” Luther asked, offended.

“Because you’re daddy’s perfect soldier,” Diego replied as if that answered the question, which it didn’t.

Ben cleared his throat and the room fell into a tense silence. “You know, this is making me uncomfortable. I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”

“That’s cool,” Luther said, desperately to stop everyone from looking at him like that. “What about you Klaus?”

“What?” Klaus nearly choked on a mouthful of snakes, not really expecting to be addressed at all. “Are you talking to me? What do you want?”

Luther turned over so he was resting on his stomach and faced Klaus with a hand in his hair. “You’re listening, right? We’re talking about getting married, what we’re going to do with our future.”

“You think we’re going to have a future other than what we’re going right now?” Snorted Klaus, who really wasn’t paying attention to the previous conversation at all.

“I literally just said that,” Diego muttered as he sat up and rubbed at his hair.

“Shut up Diego,” Luther said before he turned back to Klaus. “So, Klaus, come on. What do _you_ look for in a woman?”

A wild, frightened look overcame Klaus’s eyes, and they looked around the room and he stiffened up as his mind was muddled with confusion and suddenly he was very aware of everyone’s eyes on him. “Oh, you know,” Klaus said slowly, trying to be nonchalant. “A vagina.”

Both Diego and Ben burst out in a fit of uncontrollable laughter and Klaus found himself eventually laughing along with them, but Luther only frowned and looked at Klaus with an annoyed expression. “No, Klaus, I’m being serious.”

The laughter died down suddenly as everyone began to realize that Luther was indeed serious. The look on his face would almost be comical if it wasn’t so surprising and confusing. It actually put a damper on the whole mood. “Luther,” Diego wiped tears from his eyes as he finally stopped laughing. “Dude, come on, enough fucking around.”

“What are you talking about?” Luther frowned, now looking awkwardly between his brothers. Klaus had sat up now and was looking at Luther, dumbfounded. “Guys? What? Why are you looking at me like that?”

Leaning back on his hands, Klaus tried not to laugh at him. Luther already looked horrified, cheeks red and blushing, and he didn’t want to make him feel any more embarrassed than he already was. “Please tell me you’re not that dumb.”

Well, it was true; he probably could have phrased that better. For not wanting to embarrass Luther more, he was doing a pretty shitty job of it. Luther’s eyes narrowed and his confusion and embarrassment shifted closer to something like frustration and anger. “What? Just spit it out already, assholes.”

“Luther,” Ben butted in, mostly because Diego was too busy muffling his laughter behind his hand and Klaus was busy staring at Luther with his mouth agape. Ben tried to keep his voice gentle, but it was hard, considering the situation. “Klaus is gay.”

“What?” Luther just looked like he’s been hit in the back of the head with a sack of rocks.

“Vagina is not on the menu,” Diego snorted. “Not for Klaus at least. Never has been. We all thought that was so obvious that we never even thought about asking for confirmation.”

Finally, Klaus sat up all the way and waved his hands out in front of him to pause the conversation. “Hang on, wait for a second, just a moment,” he said, “I’m not gay. I mean, yeah, duh, obviously I like guys- prefer them, really- but I’d date a girl in a hot minute if I liked them enough.”

Diego tilted his head to the side. “Huh, I didn’t know that.”

“Yeah, there’s like, a term for it or something. I haven’t been able to Google, but vagina is still on the menu,” Klaus replied, making a face at the very vivid image. “But so is dick, so sorry if I led you on or anything.”

“I think it’s called bisexual, or pansexual,” Ben said absently. “I looked it up, but I need to do some more research. I still don’t really understand it all yet, but I will.”

Luther was blinking slowly now. “Oh,” he said. “Sorry, Klaus. I didn’t know. Uh, congratulations, I guess?”

Klaus snorted. “Thanks, Luther.”

* * *

They were 20, and they didn’t see each other that often, but they were having lunch. Diego was in his uniform from the academy, Luther wore an oversized shirt over _his_ academy uniform- his Umbrella Academy uniform, not to be confused with Diego’s police academy uniform- and Klaus was wearing whatever he could find. It was just the three of them, but Ben was there, but only Klaus could see him because Ben had been dead for a very long time now.

There wasn’t really any speaking. Just Klaus greedily eating every morsel of food placed in front of him considering he hadn’t eaten in days and he knew his brothers would end up paying no matter how much they refused or objected-probably Diego, considering he was the only one out of the three of them who actually had any kind of job-, and Diego and Luther glared at each other and pretended not to look at each other at the same time. Klaus was high as a kite, but even he knew it was awkward.

“I met someone, last night,” he broke the tense silence and spoke around a mouthful of food. “A little bit chubby, sweet, pretty, nice hair, nice legs. Everything you could want really.”

“Some other addict you met on the streets getting high, huh?” Luther mumbled into his glass and Diego kicked him under the table.

Klaus shrugged. He was used to dealing with comments like that. Water off a duck's back, so to speak. “Sure. Where else am I going to meet people? A rehab centre? Please. That place is for wimps and criminals and I’m neither of those. So yeah, I met them on the streets, they gave me their last pill, what of it?”

This time, it was Diego’s turn to scoff and say bitterly, “Oh yeah? How long do you expect this shit-show to last?” and it was Luther’s turn to kick him under the table, much harder than necessarily and much harder than Diego had hit him. Maybe it was payback? Who cared, it hurt.

But Klaus didn’t really react to the harsh comments. “Who knows? A couple of days, or weeks, maybe a month? I don’t know, but I don’t really care, either. It’s just nice to feel loved every now and again, even if it is only temporary.”

That sort of sobered them up a bit, and they bit their lips to stop from apologizing. “Well, we’re very happy for you, Klaus,” Luther said eventually, trying to be genuine. “What’s her name?”

Diego snorted so hard that coke came out of his nose and he had to slap a hand over his face to stop if from poring all down his face and over the table. Klaus bit his tongue to stop from laughing. Even Ben, hood up and eyes mostly closed, mustered a smile with what little energy he had.

“What an idiot,” Ben murmured, half-asleep, or the ghostly equivalent of half-asleep, and Klaus shot him a toothy grin.

Luther sent them an annoyed look. “What are you assholes laughing about?”

“ _Her_ name?” Diego spluttered. “God Luther, don’t you pay attention to anything?”

“Is there an inside joke that I don’t understand here?” Luther demanded. He had his fists clenched on the rim of the table and was gripping it so tightly the metal was actually starting to buckle and bend and mould to his fingers.

“No, but there will be,” Klaus laughed. “Her name? Come on, Luther, you know me better than that. I haven’t dated a girl in fucking years, man.”

“Why the fuck would I know that? I haven’t seen you in _fucking years!”_

Shrugging, Klaus folded his arms against his chest and leant back against his chair. Diego was still struggling to breathe, his shoulders rising and falling rapidly as he tried to contain his laughter. “I swing both ways, so what? I like men more than I like women; I just see more appeal I guess. You could say that I’m bi, or pan, or whatever other labels you want to put on me, but you should know, if I ever talk to you about someone I’m romantically evolved with, it’ll 95% be a dude. Maybe with a penis, maybe not, but either way, it’ll be more likely to be a man than a woman. And if that changes, and you find yourself in the kind of mood to give a fuck about what I have to say, then I’ll be sure to let you know.”

Nodding slowly, Luther found himself wanting desperately to escape his current situation and get as far away from his brothers as he could so he didn't have to see them again for many years, and he abruptly stood from his chair, the chair skidding backwards a little bit and the scraping sound of the metal legs making a loud squealing noise. “Uh... sure. Whatever you say, Klaus. I’ve got to go- I think dad needs help back home or something, or was going to send me on a mission. Nice seeing you.”

He left then, and neither Diego nor Klaus bothered to say goodbye, or even watch him leave. Eventually, Diego got his laughter under control and ran a hand through his now dishevelled hair. “What a knucklehead.”

“Don’t be so hard on him,” Klaus joked and he shared a rare smile with his brother. “He’s been hit in the head so many times over the years that he probably hasn’t got any brain cells left in that thick skull of his, poor thing.”

Chuckling, Diego stood too. He fished some money out of his wallet and threw them down on the table before he placed his hat back onto his head. “I’m glad you’re happy, Klaus. Even if it won’t last for long.” He ruffled Klaus’s hair in a rare moment of affection and Klaus tried to slap his hands away, but Diego had always been stronger than him, and Ben’s quiet laughter was distracting him. “You better be careful, you hear? I don’t want to hear about any skinny fuck with an umbrella tattoo on the wrist. If I have to attend one more call about some dead junkie covered in tattoos and dressed in a crop top and high heels, I might lose my mind. You just... make sure you’re safe, ok? And if this new boyfriend of yours gets you in trouble, you dump his ass faster than you can say “no thanks, not interested”. You hear me, Klaus?”

“Yeah,” Klaus said, not really listening. “Sure.”

“Klaus, I fucking mean it.”

Klaus’s stomach growled at him, and he returned his attention back to the food in front of him. “Sure, Diego. Whatever you say.”

Diego left then, grumbling something under his breath, and Klaus was alone once again.

Well, almost alone. Ben was still there, watching Klaus dig into the food and Diego walk away done the street out of the corner of his eye. “What a Debbie downer, huh?”

All Ben could do was nod, but that was enough of an answer for Klaus.

* * *

It was many years later, and they were 30 now, trying to save the world from ending due to some unknown apocalypse, and Diego was trying Klaus to a hard-backed wooden chair with vibrant electric blue rope while Klaus watched him with blurry, unfocused eyes, that he wasn't sure was from the pain of withdrawal or the sting of unshed tears, too worried about the journey ahead to focus on the steady winding of the rope against his legs.

He was dimly aware of Diego speaking to him, asking him questions like, _“You fought in the shit?”_ and _“Are you sure you still want to do this?”_ but Klaus was only half listening and half answering, too caught up with the angry ants eating his insides and the prospect of seeing Dave again that he hardly knew what answers he was replying to Diego’s questions, but there was one question that managed to break through the fog that clouded Klaus’s brain and that was, _“What was her name?”_

And oh, they had gotten closer since Cha-Cha and Hazel and the death of Eudora Patch and the fight in the veteran's bar, but leave it to Diego to break the stale tension with an inside joke. An inside joke that Klaus hadn’t thought of for a long time, and for a long moment, all he could think about was that night when they were 14 sitting on Ben’s bed talking about wives, and suddenly the pain went away, if only for a moment.

“His name,” Klaus breathed, voice airy, eyes filled with tears and heart heavy, but still managing to hear Diego’s chuckle from where he was busy tying the blue rope around his ankle with one hand- he still loved when his siblings used their inside jokes, no matter the situation or how estranged they were- and he felt his heart swell three sizes at the thought of his lost love, and he knew right then that Diego’s plan had worked, and Klaus took a moment to stop thinking about how much pain he was in and thought about how happy he was at one point instead, “was Dave.”

**Author's Note:**

> If you have any questions about the way I wrote Ben in this, just let me know and I'd be happy to answer any questions you may have!


End file.
